In Sickness and In Health

Photographer: Arvind Balaraman

This last week has been draining. My little one has been sick. As every mom knows, when one of yours is sick, Mom's life is put on hold. My days were spent, cuddling (which I love), taking temperatures, dispensing medicine, calling doctors, going to doctors appointments, changing sheets and dirty clothing (which I don't love) and praying. My nights were similar. I didn't sleep well as I listened for little voices, coughs and sneezes. I spent time on the floor next to the bed holding a cool cloth on his forehead, soothing him and praying for healing.

As I was doing my Bible study this weekend, I identified with an unusual character: Abraham's servant (Genesis 24). We don't know much about this man, as a matter of fact, we don't even know his name. We do learn, however, that he was very dedicated to Abraham. When Abraham had an important errand, he called on his oldest [longest employed] servant. The servant put everything else aside so that he could go and find a wife for his master. I recognize that it is easier to do the right thing when his master was there, but in verse 33, we learn that the servant, again, put his master's needs ahead of his own. This servant was a man of character.

It is difficult to continually give of ourselves. It goes against our nature to put others needs ahead of our own. As my second child started showing signs of the same illness, I started to feel resentful. I had already spent a week waiting on one child. All of my work had suffered as my schedule (and sleep) revolved around getting my child healthy. Now another one?

How did Abraham's servant continue to give?

In verse 12, I learned the secret to his success. He prayed. Although his words seem to suggest that he did not believe in God, his prayer language actually reinforces the respect that he has for Abraham. When God answers his request, the servant stopped and worshiped God (verse 26). The servant recognized that God was the reason for his success. Someone who is living through the faith of someone else would not take the time to recognize or worship the giver of the gift.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. We love because he first loved us. - 1 John 4:7-8,19


Author Erin Smalley said it best. "You and I cannot generate a single drop of love. It all comes from God. By receiving God, we receive His love. We can then open our hearts and share love with others. Loving feels good to us, but we are just passing on what we've received from God."

Being a servant to someone else is the best way of loving them and expressing the love that God gave us.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. - Galatians 5:13

I will continue today to love a second child back to health. I cannot do it alone, however. I will pray and worship the one who has enabled me to love.

Thank you Lord, for teaching me through the most unlikely person. You are so faithful in meeting my needs even before I realize what is needed. Thank you for loving me and teaching me to love. Thank you for sending your Son to serve us even when we were not worthy of His service. Amen.

God loves a Cheerful Giver

Christmas is officially over in our home. All of the presents have arrived and have been opened. I woke yesterday morning to a home cluttered from one end to the other. Toys, boxes, wrapping paper, gift bags and packing material were strewn throughout the kitchen and living room. My kids rooms were heaped with their Christmas bounty. Now the fun part I thought, trying to find homes for all of the new toys. We have cut back in the last couple of years. Each of us only receives three gifts. "If it was good enough for baby Jesus, then it is good enough for you," has been our traditional mantra. But, those three gifts do not include the gifts from our extended family. We have been blessed by generous givers. I am grateful for all that we have received, but I can't help to think about the families who are not as "blessed."

Back in October, I sat down with my journal, inspired by a book I had just read. The writer encouraged me to make a list of my dreams for the next ten years. Please note, I said dreams, not goals. Dreaming, involves thinking big! Without being concerned about time, money or education, what are your dreams? One of mine was to sponsor two children through Compassion International. As a stay at home mom, this was a big dream. I have been wanting to (and felt called to) do this for so long, but my lack of faith in God's provision, and selfishness, kept me from making the commitment. As I sat there looking at my list, I re-read each of the dreams, the Holy Spirit began nudging me. "Trust in the Lord." "Have faith."

About six months ago, I started watching my niece a couple of days each week. The extra money was nice, I was saving and tithing and then spending the rest on myself. I felt like God was encouraging me to give more and I quickly agreed. I felt that helping two other children would be a better use of my money than buying another pair of unnecessary shoes for myself.

I am not sharing this story because I want everyone to know what I am doing, I am sharing this story because of the blessings we have received since sponsoring Swando and Sheva. I encouraged my kids to  get involved from the beginning. My little man, picked a boy only three days younger than himself. My daughter picked a little girl who shares the same birth-month. Both children happen to be from Indonesia. We read about each child and spent time choosing the child that seemed to "feel right" for my kids. We talked about the homes and environments the children live in. We talked about their families and the jobs that the children are expected to perform. I explained to my kids that I would sponsor the children monetarily, but it would be their responsibility to correspond and pray for their child. The praying started that evening. My son prayed for food and fresh drinking water, my daughter prayed for safety and that her child would be able to attend school (she wasn't).

Swando

Sheva

About two weeks after sponsoring the children, my son received a packet that included a picture, and information about his child. My daughter did not receive hers. After waiting patiently, I eventually called and discovered there had been a mix-up with my daughters child, they assured me that the packet would be sent immediately. We waited another two weeks for the packet. During that time, my son received his first letter from Sheva. The letter gave us all of his personal information, such as who lives in his home, his favorite food, his favorite Bible story (David & Goliath, the same as my son) and also specific prayer requests. We were thrilled to know more about him and to have a personal connection.

Last week as we were getting ready for the holiday, I asked my children to clean their rooms. The whining, tears and drama started immediately. I sent both of them to their rooms, so that I could compose myself rather than lose my "cool". After a short time-out for me, and them, I called them to the couch for a little discussion. "What do you think Swando and Sheva are doing today"? They looked at me blankly. I continued, "well, I know what they are not doing.""They are not cleaning their rooms." The families in the underprivileged parts of Indonesia often live in cardboard houses with tin roofs. My children knew this. We continued our discussion about the kinds of toys that Swando and Sheva have and the jobs they are expected to complete, not for payment, but for their families' well being. I wanted them to realize that we are blessed to be living where we do and that it is not a punishment to clean their rooms, it is a privilege. The kids went to clean.


From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. -Luke 12:48b

I am thankful that God has given me the responsibility of raising and teaching my children. I am thankful that God gave us the resources to sponsor Swando and Sheva and for opening our eyes to people other than ourselves.

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. - James 1:27 (NLT) (emphasis mine)

I refuse to believe that sponsoring these children won't make a difference. My kids and I are proof that it does. 

"The religious leaders hated Jesus because he broke the rules in order to help people and refused to condemn anyone for anything other than being unloving." - Alice Smith

On Christmas Eve I went out to get the mail before leaving for church. As I came into the house, I handed my daughter an envelope. "Merry Christmas," I said. "Is it from Swando," she asked excitedly. It was her first letter, an introduction, including her favorite foods, her parents names and favorite Bible story (also David and Goliath). On the back, was a special note and prayer requests. "Please pray for my upcoming exam, that I will do well." "She's in school?" My daughter could not contain her excitement or tears of joy for someone other than herself.

Thank you Lord for blessing us. Thank you for your provision and grace. Thank you for opening our eyes to your world. Please continue to teach me and our family how to give and love. Help us to see the world as you see it. Help us to love everyone as you love them. Help us to give with a cheerful heart, out of the abundance that you have already given us. In the precious name of your Son, Jesus. Amen.

Christmas Torrent

I have a confession to make. I got completely caught up in the Christmas Craze today. I was not a very good follower of Jesus and I set a terrible example for my young children. I started the day by oversleeping. I didn’t get my shower, coffee and quiet time with Jesus before my kids woke up. That always makes me grumpy. From there, I set out to conquer my overwhelming to-do list. I spent the day doing things I really didn’t want to do.

Every year, I tell myself that I am going to be more organized. That I am going to get my shopping done early and get my Christmas cards mailed more than two weeks before Christmas. It didn’t happen this year. I was frantically trying to find the perfect family picture, just this morning, so that I could order the cards and get them addressed today. Yep, days before Christmas.

After some toppling issues, I put the finishing touches on our tree today. I was able to put away the ornament boxes and vacuum up the pine needles that stick to everything. Finally, the house was looking festive rather than trashed.

In the midst of the chaos of laundry, decorating and addressing cards, I did manage to referee several disputes between my kids. The arguments varied depending on the toy they were playing with (fighting over). But, it was mostly tattling and finger pointing mixed with grabbing and yelling.

These are not the scenes I imagine when I dream of Christmas. The Christmas in my mind looks more like a Norman Rockwell painting. Our family happily decorates the tree together, plays board games and sips hot cocoa filled with marshmallows. We would read Christmas stories before bed and enjoy cuddle time at the end of a day filled with happy memories.

Where did it all go wrong? I know that I set the tone this morning and I was definitely off-key. I started down the wrong path and then, shared my sourness with my beautiful children.

Something in the reading for today caught my eye though. 

Revelation 12:15, Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake the woman and sweep her away with the torrent. 

Oh, Dear Lord, this was me today. I couldn’t get a foothold. My to-do list crashed over my head and the undertow of the days events caused me to somersault and prevented me from finding which way was up.

There was something else that caught my eye though, the woman was overtaken by the water spewed from the serpents mouth.

What lies was I hearing and believing today? There were things I did today because I thought I needed to. My kids don’t really care whether I send out Christmas cards. I didn’t really need to put that last string of lights outside. That was my choice, and to be honest, it was more of a pride issue than anything else. 

In the last few years, our family has done a better job of cutting back on our gifts and sharing with others who may not be as fortunate. Today, though, I lost sight of what this season is really about.

Now that I reflect on the ugliness of the day, God tried to help me up and I didn’t hear Him. As we were walking in to pick up the last minute cards, my five year old said, “Mom, Christmas is really all about Jesus. It is his birthday and we all get to celebrate it.” I wasn’t really listening. “That’s right”, I said. “If it weren’t for Jesus, we wouldn’t be celebrating Christmas.”

Lord, I confess that, today I was not all that you created me to be. I’m sorry for not spending time with you this morning. I didn’t give you authority over my to-do list. Instead, I took it on myself, wrongly thinking I could do it alone. I’m sorry for being stubborn and prideful. Please forgive me. I want to do better, God, for you, for my family and for me. Teach me how to celebrate Christmas your way, Father. Show me what is truly important and help me to release the things that really don’t matter. Thank you for sending your son, Jesus, to save me from my sins. I want to live my life for you and shine your light in this world, today and everyday. Amen.

Hugs,

Lynnette

Mulligan Anyone?

My husband gets up before the sun and is gone before I have even rolled over. Today, however, his schedule is different. I am in the bathroom getting ready and my dear husband comes in to brush his teeth. We don't usually have these morning bathroom meetings. I am instantly irritated. He moves in front of me to reach for the medicine cabinet. I smile (not so sweetly) and move to the side. In my mind: really? why does he have to be in here now? ugh! how many times does he have to open and close the cabinet? I am using that mirror!

After brushing his teeth, he says goodbye and gives me a kiss. I am anything but nice as I offer my cheek and respond with a "bye". And then he is gone. I am alone again with my thoughts. Why did I do that? He was only in here for two minutes and I couldn't be gracious and share?

I am reminded of my kids fighting over the sink, pushing each other off of the step stool. "I was here first," one of them shouts and someone usually ends up crying. I step in to play referee. "Be nice, take turns, you can share" I tell them. Easy to say and not always easy to do.

I am reminded of Paul. Why do I do the things I hate to do and not the things I want to do? (Romans 7:15) That is not really the way I want to send my husband into the world for the day. I don't want his last interaction with me to be filled with irritation and attitude. He needs to know that I love him, that I am here for him and that I am willing to be his partner in whatever life brings. Even if that means sharing the bathroom.

I run to the kitchen where he is gathering his belongings to take to the car . I give him a pat. He stands up and looks at me confused. I throw my arms around him and give him a kiss. This one is filled with love and hope. He looks at me even more confused now. "What was that for?" He asked. "I just wanted you to know I love you," I stated.

We all need a mulligan from time to time. Maybe we are short with a response. Maybe words spoken are not filled with love and grace. Maybe we lose our temper. Maybe we are angry about a situation and take it out on an innocent bystander. Maybe we think we are right.

Photo by Bill Longshaw

We can have a do-over. When we find ourselves in this situation, we can immediately say "wait, that isn't what I meant". "Let me try that again."

How much better would our world be?

How much better would our marriage be?

How much better would our parenting be?

Lord, thank you for always knowing the kindest way to talk to us. Thank you for sending your son to be an example for us. Please teach me how to interact the way that Jesus did. I want my conversations to be full of grace and seasoned with salt, so that I know how to talk with everyone (Col 4:6). Please help me overcome any stronghold of pride that would keep me from admitting my mistakes and trying again. I want to shine your light in the world today. Amen.

Buried Treasure

You never know when God is going to show up. Earlier this week, I was mindlessly going about my morning routine. I pulled the basket out of the coffee pot to throw away the old grounds, and then opened the cupboard to pull out the garbage can. I was caught of guard. First, there was a fresh garbage bag, which doesn't often happen. We play the game of garbage balancing in our home. You may be familiar with this game, the rules are simple, just put your garbage on top and if it topples over, you have to take out the trash. But, second, in the bottom of the can was a little treasure!

My daughter is in first grade this year. She is really enjoying reading and writing. She has truly found freedom and fulfillment in sounding out words, putting sentences together and then drawing pictures to go with them. She spends most of her free time making books or writing stories. The treasure that I found in the garbage belonged to her. I garbage picked it!

The words weren't spelled correctly and usually, I can sound it out to understand what she is writing, but this time I couldn't do it. I got most of it, but not the whole thing. I set it aside, in a prominent place, so that I could be sure to ask about it later.

The morning routine was crazy, I didn't have a spare minute to talk with her about it. I needed more than just a quick answer, I wanted to have a conversation with her. It stayed on top of the microwave for the day. Every time I walked past, I looked at it and tried to unscramble the message. Similar to a puzzle that you can't walk away from, it was in the back of my mind all day. I couldn't wait until she got home. 

After she had a few minutes to unwind from the busyness of the day, I picked up the piece of paper, handed it to her and asked her to read it to me. 

"I follow my heart. Step, by step, by step. You will make it right for me." 

"Did you hear that somewhere?" I asked. 

"No" she replied, "I was just writing a song, and I made it up." 

My next question,"why did you throw it away?"

"I messed up", she said sadly. 

Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless. Daniel 11:35

I was silenced. Her words were so simple and yet, so true. How many times have we been following God along the path and we mess up. We don't know how to undo what we have done so instead, we throw it away.

Again I ask: Did they stumble so as to fall beyond recovery? Not at all! Romans 11:11a

I made my request. "Can I have this?"

"Sure." Pause.  "Why?" She wondered.

"I like it. I want to write about it. Is that okay?"

"Yes", she smiled.

though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand. Psalm 37:24

God placed it on my heart to use this as a teachable moment. "You know, God loves us all the time. Even when we mess up. There is nothing we can do to make Him stop loving us. If we apologize and ask Him for forgiveness, He always forgives us."

"I know, Mom", she said. As she rolled her eyes and walked away.

I instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. Prov 4:11

I could have taken offense, but I didn't. She heard me. It will be there when she needs it most.

in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Prov 3:6

Father, I praise you for your goodness, favor and mercy. Thank you for loving me so perfectly. I know that I am human and I am going to make mistakes. But, I also know that you forgive every one of them. I am grateful for your wisdom, guidance, knowledge and for all of the times you have picked me up and put me back on your perfect path. Amen.

My Story

I have had three people within the last week mention "your story" or "your testimony". Around here, we call that an echo from God. Perhaps He is trying to tell me something!

Until yesterday, I didn't think I had a testimony. It seems silly now, but there wasn't a big life changing experience or a flash of lightning. After some reflection, I don't think that testimonies have to be that way. Some are big and exciting and "flashy" and then there is the rest of us. Normal everyday people. With normal everyday stories.

I was raised in the church by Christian parents. We went to church most Sunday's (unless someone was sick or we were out of town) and Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. In High School, I joined the Youth Group and got very involved there with activities and work/mission trips. Then college... I didn't do as well. I didn't completely walk away from God, but I am pretty sure I didn't follow the path that He had planned for me. Looking back, I know that God was with me even though I wasn't seeking Him. He put people in my life that were strong Christians and they were a good influence on me when everything else was so bad. I tried attending church there and did a few times, but it never became habit and it was so easy to just sleep in.

After college, I moved back home. I went back to church with my family and was welcomed with open arms and even taught Confirmation that year. Shortly after moving home, I met my husband and while we were dating, we often attended church. Either his or mine. Looking back at that time, I see now that I still wasn't following God. I did my best and fooled a lot of people including myself. Maybe it wasn't fooling, but ignorance on my part. 

Life went on. I went to church on Sunday and I did my own thing the rest of the week. I thought that was enough. I had the label "Christian". I had accepted Jesus. I knew right from wrong (in my own mind). I tried to be a good person, helping others, not stealing or killing. What more was there? 

This season lasted about seven years. During that time, I almost completely quit going to church. Things did not really start to change until I was trying to get pregnant for the first time. Typical of the season I was in, I didn't turn to God until I needed Him. I was fine on my own, until a crisis appeared. Then, I treated God like my personal Genie. I went through tests and took fertility medication, until I couldn't live with the side effects any longer. A month later, I was pregnant. I would like to say that I had turned to God and said, "You are bigger and You know what is best. I surrender my life to you."  But, I didn't. I thanked God and moved on. 

But, I began thinking (or rather, God placed it on my heart and I finally started to listen) that I needed more.  I wanted my child to have a good foundation. I wanted to give my baby the good morals that I had been given. In my heart, I knew there was something to the "whole church thing", I just didn't know what it was. I began "church shopping". I tried several local churches and decided on the one that was the most comfortable. I got involved with the Children's ministry and made some great friends. We stayed there for almost three years, until the church changed and I no longer felt comfortable. I took a step back to analyze the changes.

On Thanksgiving morning of 2008, I was getting ready to go to dinner at my parents house. I had the TV on for news and background noise. Joyce Meyer came on and that is when things really changed for me. I don't remember what she said exactly, but I was at that point I realized there was something more to church than "religion". That was the turning point for me, I began to find my own faith. For so long, I was living on what my parents said or the way they raised me. It wasn't until I really started doing it for me that I was able to understand what so many others already had and what God wants for all of us. I began to read my Bible, although I didn't understand it, and we found a new church. 

The new church has made a huge difference. I am really being fed the word! I didn't realize how hungry I was until I heard someone who really spoke to me. I also joined a women's Bible study. That has been a big step for me and really encouraged me in my daily walk. I enjoy reading the Bible and reading books that take me deeper in the word. I love being around Christian women who share the same values and beliefs that I do. I miss it when I am not there and have made it a priority in my schedule.

Everyday, I work at being more open about my faith and my Savior. Throughout my life, I hid my faith and beliefs (and still do to some extent) from others out of fear of rejection. What I didn't understand is that our choices are either good or bad. So, fear of rejection from people caused me to reject God. I should have feared Him more than people. I am getting better at it, and stepping out on faith more than ever before. I am trying to be open with my children, so that they will learn that God's opinion is much more important than people's opinion. I am trying to teach them that their faith is not something to hide or be ashamed of. As the women of my Bible studies have taught me, it is in the sharing that we grow.

Those who have known me for a while can appreciate that this blog was a big, scary step. I don't really know where this is all going- meaning the blog. I just felt like this was the direction that He was leading me. I have never been a writer, but it seems like He is using me for something. My wonderful and supportive Mom recently told me, "you don't need to know why, you just need to obey and trust in Him who always knows".

That is the cool thing about God! He is not normal or everyday. He is creative and exciting and unexpected. When we follow Him, our lives are that way too. Looking back, I see that His fingerprints are all over my life! This is not really my story it is our story.

1 Kings 19:11-12 (New Living Translation)

 ¹¹ “Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper.

Lord, I am a sinner. On my own, I am not good enough to come into your presence. I believe that Jesus died on the cross to save me from my sins. I believe that he rose and ascended into heaven. Through my belief in Jesus I am able to come to you at the throne. Thank you Abba, that you were faithful when I was fickle. Thank you for pursuing me when I turned away. Thank you for loving me when I was unloveable. Amen.

Be Bold

I have been praying lately that God would make me more bold.

My good friend tells me that I am bold in my prayer life. That I ask for things she would never think to ask. One of my recent prayer requests was that I become more like the woman from Proverbs 31. She has it together! Her house is in order, her husband praises her and her children call her blessed, she works to help her family and I bet she never ran out of milk or bread.

She is a godly woman. Verse 30 says, Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. I would like to know more about her. I would like to know what her prayer life was like. What did she pray for? How did she approach God? My guess is that she was bold. She was a go-getter! Buying property, planting a vineyard and then (I'm assuming) selling the grapes to make a profit. I don't know much about the other women of her time, but I am guessing they were more concerned about the affairs of the house than buying property. She was not the normal housewife.

She always knew what to say to others. Verse 26- She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Sometimes I say the most foolish things and there are times I don't know what to say. More times than I would like to count, however, I hold my tongue and don't speak. The subject is often faith. Why do I worry so much about offending others with talk of Jesus? I am comfortable with people that I know, but with people that I don't know, I censor myself.

One scripture that has always stood out to me is Matthew 7:21-23 - ²¹"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. ²²Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' ²³Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' Jesus is talking about false prophets. People who say they are from God, but they are not. For a long time, this scripture did not make me uncomfortable. I figured that Jesus was talking about the people that claim to know God, but had nothing to back it up. Until I did a little more digging. The NIV study Bible references Romans 10:9-10 ⁹That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ¹⁰For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. I have confessed that Jesus is Lord and I believe it in my heart. I believe I have been saved.

Luke 12:8-9 ⁸"I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God. ⁹But he who disowns me before men will be disowned before the angels of God.

From the dictionary:
- acknowledge: 1. to admit 2. to show recognition of 3. to show appreciation for
- disown: to refuse to acknowledge as belonging to oneself

That makes me a little more uncomfortable! I have never outright disowned him, but there are times that I don't speak up about my love for him because it is "not the right time" or "it is not the right place" or "I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable". Is there much difference between disowning and remaining silent?

I want to be more bold in my relationship with him. I submitted my application for baptism yesterday. I filled out my paperwork almost a year ago and then I got nervous and didn't turn it in. I was baptized by sprinkling, but not immersed like every baptism in the Bible. It is a big, bold, public statement at our church. There is an auditorium filled with more than a thousand people and that scares me. I don't have to talk in front of anyone, but I have to walk out on the stage and get into the pool. I know that God has been leading me in this direction. And I want to be obedient.

- bold: 1. courageous and daring 2. vivid; prominent

Acts 4:29 Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness.

I firmly grasp the prayer of Paul:
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. Ephesians 6:19-20

Trasparency

I have been thinking about transparency a lot lately. It keeps coming up in things I read and hear. As I am learning, this is a Sacred Echo. Something that God wants me to listen and pay attention to.

It is scary and difficult for me to be real sometimes. It is not easy to share my deepest experiences, thoughts or insecurities. I constantly wonder what others will think. I clean my house before anyone comes over, so they will not see the piles of paper, the toys and various clothing items that litter the house from one end to the other. When I speak, I filter my words and edit myself so others will not think less of me. To some extent this is good- feelings don't get hurt when I slow down and choose words more carefully. But, at times it is not real, it is not who I am.

I do this in daily life and I started wondering, do I do this with God? I will confess, that lately my prayer life has been rather stagnant. There are so many people and requests on my prayer list and I send out little prayers throughout the day. But, I have not had a good quiet prayer time in a while. I let myself get caught up in perfectionism (maybe an evil whisper) and it silenced me. "Am I saying the right thing? Am I asking the right way? Is this Gods will? What does He think? Do I sound like a whining child?"

This morning however, I started to journal. So many thoughts came to me. God loves us at every moment of our lives. He wants to hear from us, no matter what we sound like. If I were perfect, I wouldn't need Him. We learn through each stage of life and He is our teacher.

I thought of my children. When they were little, I taught them sign language so that they could communicate their needs before they could speak. As they learned to talk, we continued to use our sign language and added simple speech into the mix. Now, they are speaking in sentences. Some of them are grammatically correct and others are not. I encourage them to use please and thank you. When they forget, I simply say "try again, but nicer this time". I don't get angry or condemn, I am trying to teach them. Through it all, I love them. I love to teach them, I love to watch them develop and learn. I see their progress everyday and my heart swells with pride to see the wonderful people that they are becoming.

How much more does God love us? How much more patience does He have? Each step of our life He can see our progress. He remembers where we started and He knows where we are going. He is so proud of us in this moment when we reach out and talk with him. No matter what we sound like. To Him, it is good.

My daughter was sitting with her Grandfather recently. "I pray for you every night", she said. I was so proud of her. I pray that she never loses that honesty. I pray that I can be like her.

NOT PRIDE

My kids are currently taking swimming lessons through our community center. I am not allowed to take my son into the women's locker room. That is the rule. No matter what age, children of the opposite sex are not allowed in the locker room. I get it. They have a family locker room for this. There are individual rooms to shower and change. Very convenient, and easier to keep an eye on the kids... locked in a room all to ourselves. However, they happen to take swimming lessons at one of the busiest possible times. Therefore, we have waited up to 25 minutes to get a room (not fun for Mom with wet children).

There are no rules for getting a room. There is no specified line, in which to wait, and to say it is a free-for-all is an understatement. People leave class early to get a room, they save rooms for other people, adults without children come in to have their own private shower and people steal rooms. By this, I mean if they happen to be standing next to a room that opens up they will walk in ahead of anyone else who may have been waiting before them. It is not fun! I dread the after-swimming experience.

I came home this week VERY upset. I was angry. Why are people so sneaky? Why do people cut in front of others? Why don't people follow the same rules I do? I'm not trying to cut in front of you, if you were here first, you get a room before I do.

Then came the guilt. Why am I letting this upset me? It is not really a big deal. What does God say about this? What guidance can I gain from Him? So I went to His word. Let me tell you, the Bible does not say anything about line etiquette. I looked.

What is written?

Luke 9:48 For he who is least among you all—he is the greatest

Proverbs 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.

Romans 12:9-21 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

So, that is good. But, it didn't sit well with me. I didn't find peace. No peace, no God. Today, He brought it to me. Pride. The reason I was so upset was pure pride!

Luke 18:11-14 The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

¹⁴"Everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Proverbs 3:34 & James 4:6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."

One of the greatest gifts my parents ever gave me was forcing me to go to Youth Group. I didn't want to go at first, but the friendships I formed and the experiences I gained built a firm foundation for the woman I am now. Our youth leader had several standard answers that we all despised! We knew they were coming, but it didn't stop the groaning or the protests that came, loudly, from 50+ high-schoolers. Whenever there was a competition he would announce the winners and the losers and then he would calmly say, "the first shall be last and the last shall be first".

I found that scripture this week. It is written four times in the new testament (Matthew 19:30, 20:16, Mark 10:31 and Luke 13:30). And then, I noticed something, in the NIV study bible the note on Mark 10:43 says "Jesus overturns the value structure of the world. The life of discipleship is to be characterized by humble and loving service." I added, "NOT PRIDE".

Jesus called them together and said, "You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."(Mark 10:42-25)

My way or the High way?

I am a private person. I have a VERY short list of people that I confide in. There have been times I have shared things with people that I thought were "safe", and I have been burned! I have built walls to keep people out and to keep me safe. Therefore, this blog is a very big and scary step for me. I'm not going to spill everything, but I am still sharing pieces of myself that I don't normally share with people.

I also like to be in control. I like to plan... how my day will go, what I will do, what I will say. This often leads to frustration. Because, this is life! Things don't go my way. It is not my plan. I can't control what others say or do. I can't control what happens to me. (Lots of me's and I's in there!)

God has really been working on me this week about trust. Trust in Him and who He is. About surrendering my thoughts and actions to Him. There are so many thoughts that come at me during the day. Whether they are from others, from myself or even from the evil one. And I dwell on them, especially the bad and scary ones! Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Things are never going to go my way. But, that isn't a bad thing. God is love. Love is who he is. He cannot do anything that is not based in love. Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity." By surrendering my ways, I will be free of anything that holds me back from the person He created me to be. Trying to do it my way is weighing me down and holding me captive. I have to seek Him first (Matthew 6:33)!

As only God can, he taught me this week, and then presented the perfect opportunity to test my new "wisdom". The old me (from last week) would have tried to take control of the situation. Doing it my way. I stepped back from the situation. Recalled what God had showed me this week. I prayed and felt Him pushing me in a direction. "Really? You want me to do what?" I felt a confirmation, that is direction that he was pushing me. And I say pushing, because it was very against my own instincts! And then, He showed me... "Let go. I AM in control". I wasn't a vision with smoke and celestial lights, but I could see it written, with I AM in capital letters. "Ok. Ok, Father, I got it". So, I obeyed. It was scary, but I knew it was right.

I'm not sure how this situation will work out. But that isn't important, is it?

Don't Get Mad....

Last night at dinner, Mr. D said "Mom, don't get mad, get glad". I thought he was just parroting a commercial he had heard, but then it came back to me again today. Maybe there is more to it?

What is written?
Habakkuk 3:17-18 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my savior. Now that is trouble! It is so easy to get upset and frustrated during the day. Things don't go as I plan and it seems that I can't get past it- the anger and frustration keeps stacking up. I recently heard Beth Moore talking about trouble she said "irritations are not tribulations". I face irritations everyday! I need to work on keeping it all in perspective.

Philippians 4:4,7 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Why rejoice again and again? When we are rejoicing and praising God, even in the midst of trouble, we are focusing on the good not the bad. We cannot be rejoicing and sinning at the same time. Prov 29:22 An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins. And Prov 10:19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. It is not what happens to me but how I react that really matters, so rejoice (as long as it takes)!

John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. We will face trials of many kinds, but this testing is what makes us more like Christ.

So the next time there are three spills during dinner and library books and homework are ruined in the process.... I will remember "Don't get mad, get glad and rejoice!" (I hope.)